Death Wish 3 (1985)

For those who are unfamiliar with the Death Wish series, I pity you. I pity you because you are probably one of the masses of ignorance who thinks that Chuck Norris is the epitome of cheesy action movie manliness, tough-guyiness, etc-iness. No way. No way. Who, then, is the manliest of them all?

Two words: Charles (Fucking) Bronson.

You may have become acquainted with Mr. Bronson in my last review for Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects (1989), another one of his flicks. He had co-star roles in many classic films in the 1950s and 1960s including the original House of Wax, The Dirty Dozen, and The Great Escape. In 1974 he made a film called Death Wish, where after his wife is murdered and daughtered assaulted by a trio of street thugs he turns vigilante on the streets after dark blowing away any and all thugs he catches in the act of rape and muggings. It became a minor classic, and Bronson's "finest hour" according to both critics and fans alike.

Starting in 1982 Death Wish officially became a series with the dark and vicious Death Wish II (which I'll review in a later post). Three years later Death Wish 3 (1985) was released, and the world would never be the same. Whereas the first two films in the series are fairly serious and somewhat believable, this one abandons all pretenses of intelligence in exchange for mass and uncontrolled chaos and camp.




Right from the get-go you know this is gonna be a hell of a lot more campy from the first two. Just listen to the opening theme music. With its slap bass and jazzy saxophones and piano, it sounds like a cross between Seinfeld and Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. That would never have fit in the first two. The story in this one is simple: Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson), the (formerly) mild-mannered architect who turned vigilante avenger in the first two films, takes a Greyhound bus to visit an old war buddy in New York only to find him murdered by -- you guessed it -- street thugs! (this guy has great luck, doesn't he?). After being arrested for the crime, the police chief Shriker (Ed Lauter) recognized him as "Mr. Vigilante" Paul Kersey and makes him the ultimate deal: he will release him as long as he goes out and kills as many street thugs as he can to make the neighborhood safe again! In this case there is a large gang terrorizing the tenement complex where Bronson's friend was murdered and Shriker wants him to start fighting back against the gang, since as a cop he is "helpless" to do anything.

Death Wish 3 has gotten a nearly legendary status among action, exploitation, and cult cinema fans alike as one of the funniest movies ever made and while I don't find it to be the FUNNIEST Bronson movie ever made as some people say (I still say Kinjite retains that honor) this one is damn close. Throughout the film we witness many scenes of Bronson taking down various gang members in some expected and some not-so-expected ways. After being released from jail, for instance, we see Bronson purchase a used car (with CASH) and set it outside the tenement complex as "bait" for the "creeps". He then sits down to eat a delicious dinner of stuffed cabbage (which "smells wonderful!" according to Bronson). When he hears the glass of his car shatter, he casually walks out, blows away the two "creeps", and heads back in to finish his dinner. In another scene, he finds his windows shattered, so he casually takes a wooden board, pounds inch-long nails into it, and sets it under the window. Upon finding bloody footprints when he returns home, he smiles that classic Bronson smile. Sadistic, yet darkly humorous, especially considering the kooky music that plays during the whole scene.

There are loads of hilarious bits and pieces throughout the movie, none of which are funny because of violence, but are funny in that classic Army of Darkness-style kooky-humor way. For instance, we keep seeing this one hilarious dreadlocked thug over and over throughout the film. At one point, he hilariously attempts to mug Bronson's tenement neighbor Rodriguez (Joseph Gonzalez.......and I find it hilarious that they elected to give the Hispanic character the most generic name they could possibly think of) for "FIVE DOLLAS!!!!!" Seriously, why not "TEN DOLLAS"? Or "A HUNDRED DOLLAS!?!?!". In another scene, he smashes his way through the Jewish couple's tenement, tosses their TV out the window, and tells them he can "COME IN ANYTIME HE WANTS." Just before jumping out the window, he turns around one last time and yells "ANYTIIIIIIIIME!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!". That laugh he makes is hands down the funniest "evil" laugh you will ever hear in a movie. Even funnier is that the Jewish housewife starts bawling as soon as he does it.




In response to this home invasion, we next see Bronson setting up a Home-Alone style booby trap which consists of a heavy wooden board which is rigged to smash the face in of anyone who breaks through the window. The next night it goes off and they come back to it to find the thug's teeth stuck in the board. Never mind the appalling sadistic humor of this scene, but what is even more hilarious is that it would be physically impossible for his teeth to have been stuck in the board unless
A) he had no jaw
B) he was looking STRAIGHT UP
...and even then it probably would not have been possible.

The centerpiece of this film, however, is the batshit insane street war that takes place during the final 25 minutes of the film. After Bronson's tenement neighbor Bennett (Martin Balsam from "Psycho", "12 Angry Men", and many other classic movies) has his shop blown up by the gang, he hilariously attempts to shoot them from his balcony with one of two WWII chain guns that his friend "brought home from the war" (did he put those in his carry-on luggage or something??!) After having the gun fail and having chucked off the balcony by the thugs, he is hospitalized.
At the gentle encouragement of the hospitalized Bennett to "blow the scum away" (a hilariously homoerotic scene), Bronson grabs the second of Bennett's two WWII chainguns and runs out to his balcony, blowing away as many of the gang members as he can see. It begin. Once this happens, the Jewish housewife looks out the window and proclaims excitedly "Eli! Mr. Kersey! HE JUST SHOT SOME OF THE CREEPS!!". This cues some of the most hilariously kooky music you will ever hear in a film, as various tenement denizens grab their concealed weapons, inspired by Bronson, and prepare for war. For the next 25 minutes we see Bronson running around the NYC slums with the chaingun (which by the way is supposed to be fired from a TRIPOD!!!) and a hilariously huge pistol which is actually used to hunt ELEPHANTS and is the most powerful handgun in the world (Wildey .375 Magnum with a FOOT-LONG barrel).

It isn't the violence of this sequence that makes it funny, but rather the kooky music and the unbelievably funny things that happen during the scene which do NOT involve killing. For instance, during one sequence a motorcycle gang drives by a three-story hardware story building and throws a couple hand grenades inside. The ENTIRE building explodes. During another sequence, Bronson's buddy Rodriguez comes under heavy fire from rooftop snipers and attempts to return fire with a ZIP GUN (aka a homemade weapon consisting of a foot-long pipe that fires shotgun shells). In another scene, a thug attempts to break through the second-story window of a tenement, only to get hilariously shoved out the window with a broom. During the finale, Bronson and Chief Shriker are cornered by the head gang member, who makes the fatal mistake of turning away from Bronson to make a mocking comment to Shriker. In a split second, Bronson grabs his strategically-placed (and MAIL-ORDERED) rocket launcher from behind the sofa and blows the gang leader (and half the apartment building) out into the street. Even though Shriker and Bronson are about four feet from the blast, they walk away unscathed. In real life, the 67-year old Bronson would've been blasted back out the wall.




MOVIEMAKING VALUE: 5/10
COMEDIC VALUE: 9/10
OVERALL ENTERTAINMENT VALUE: 9/10

Highlights:

• 1. Dreadlocked thug attempting to mug Rodriguez and his wife for "FIVE DOLLAS"
• 2. Cackling dreadlocked thug declaring that he can come into the Jewish couple's apartment "ANYTIIIIIIIIIME!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
• 3. Little old fat black woman celebrating at the sight of The Giggler having been killed ("Oh my lor....it's the CREEP THAT STOLE MY POCKETBOOK THREE WEEKS AGO!), prompting the entire neighborhood, including people randomly appearing in all the windows, to commence cheering and clapping.
• 4. Bennett having his shop blown to smithereens by the "creeps" ("THAT'S MY SHOP!!!!!"), then attempts to become a vigilante himself by running out to his balcony with a WWII chain gun to shoot the punks underneath his window. He puts the bullets in BACKWARDS and the gun fails; the thugs toss him (a hilariously obvious stunt double) over the balcony and Rodriguez appears with a hilarious sad face and expression with his hands. All with kooky music in the backdrop.
• 5. The Cuban getting chucked off a two-story building, only to have the next scene cut to the crime scene where the same building is now at LEAST ten stories.
• 6. A biker gang member chucking a trash can through the window of a little old black lady, and the head of the biker gang clapping uproariously as if to say "GOOD JOB MEN!!"
  
• 7. Several biker gang members throwing a couple hand grenades into a multi-story building, causing the ENTIRE building to explode
• 8. Random old man running around on fire and getting mercilessly gunned down by "creeps"
• 9. Rodriguez's triumphant fist pump to Kersey after killing a creep.
• 10. Rodriguez being fired at from atop a high rooftop and attempting to return fire with his measly zip gun.
• 11. Kersey about to be killed by Alex Winter, only to be saved by Ed Lauter who appears out of fucking nowhere and shouts "I OWED YOU THAT ONE, DUDE!", cuing more kooky music to start playing as they begin another rampage of carnage.
• 12. Fraker shoots and kills two police officers, then blows up their car. Then the scene cuts to Martin Balsam watching the carnage outside the window and GRINNING, alongside upbeat music!
• 13. Thug attempting to break into a woman's house through a second-story window, only to get shoved out the window with a broom.

Things I learned:
-Police chiefs can hold prisoners indefinitely, release them whenever they want, and say "Dude" 10 times a minute without any repurcussions.
-If you shoot a mugger in the middle of the night, the police will not arrive till the next morning.
-Stuffed cabbage "smells wonderful."
-Bullet-proof vests can block a four-inch knife penetration. They can also stop bullets so well you won't even feel youreslf get hit and you'll have to pause and look underneath your shirt to check to see if you were shot.
-Charles Bronson can fire a WWII-tripod chain gun FROM THE HIP and hold the barrel without burning his hands off. At AGE 67 NO LESS.
-Multi-storied buildings can be completely blown up with a single hand grenade.
-Hand grenades make great toothbrushes.
-Biker gangs enjoy throwing garbage cans through little old ladies' windows, and applaud furiously when having done so.
-Old men find murder and carnage hilarious when watching it from outside their hospital window.
-When fighting "creeps", one can fire a 6-shooter approximately 30 times before reloading.
-Elephant-hunting pistols and handheld rocket launchers can be ordered through the mail.
-Rocket lauchers are ideal for home defense. So are brooms.
-One can survive a rocket launcher blast merely four feet in front of you.


In short, if you love hilarious, campy, so-bad-it's-good action flicks like Army of Darkness and Commando, you'll love this. It's so chock full of horrendous editing, bad dialogue, unbelievably un-PC stereotypes and violence, and campy acting that you'll probably find at least one part you'll be crying with laughter over. It's been called by many action fans "the most unintentionally funny movie ever made" and while I always found Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects to be slightly funnier than this flick (in terms of 80s Bronson vehicles), this one comes close.